I can’t do it. I won’t get hired. They won’t accept me. I won’t speak up. My opinion does matter anyways. I won’t succeed. It won’t work out the way I plan. He won’t love me. Who would love me like this? Am I even lovable?
Have you ever had these thoughts or other negative self-talk?
You’re not alone. We’ve all had negative self-talk, that inner dialogue that supposedly protects us from getting hurt. That’s really what it’s about. You don’t like being hurt, in pain, or suffering, so you tell yourself these horrible things, that you call the truth, in order to keep yourself from being hurt. Little do you know, you’re hurting yourself even more with this inner talk.
This negative conversation with yourself is sabotaging your chances to grow, flourish, and expand whether it’s at work or home. It’s stopping you from becoming the exact person you’re meant to be and keeps you right where you are. It holds you back in the worse kind of way, because it’s not just holding you back from the present situation, it will continue to stop you from everything that comes after it in a couple of ways.
It keeps you from anything directly or indirectly that might have happened if you said, “Yes.” So instead of feeling the fear and leaning in with a “Yes,” you walk the opposite way of the fear which allows you stay right where you are. Tweet This!
For instance, maybe you want to change jobs or careers (or get new clients) in a new field and thought you weren’t really qualified for it, so you didn’t go after it. If you would’ve, you might have gotten it, which meant a raise (what you’d miss out on directly) and something new and exciting. You’d also miss out on things indirectly like positions at a higher level, the potential to meet the person of your dreams or new friends, and being mentored by a top level executive in the company.
Going on the interview also meant meeting the interviewer who might have another opening, not yet to be posted, in which you would’ve been a perfect fit. It would be closer to home, more money, better hours, and much more in your wheelhouse of what you want.
You could get called in and once in the interview, realize it’s a job you definitely don’t want. Knowing what you don’t want is just as important as knowing what you do want. That way, you don’t spend another five years at a job you hate. Now you’re clearer on the types of job you’d love. Awesome!
Also when you don’t go after the job, you’re telling yourself you’re not good enough for the job. You don’t deserve the job. You’re not worthy of the job. That inner talk is not just about the job; that’s shame showing up in your life.
Shame easily disguises itself as other things and transfers into our actions, behaviors, and thoughts. It keeps us from doing things we want to do. It holds us back from stepping into a bigger version of ourselves. It makes us compare ourselves to others and feel inadequate. ..and then it trickles down into every other aspect of our lives.
So it’s not just about the job, it’s about your not living the life you desire. You may be thinking, How does she jump from a job to not living the life I want? Let me show you how shame really works.
You don’t apply for a job, because you’re scared you won’t get hired (rejection) which stops you from applying to other jobs unless the company is looking for exactly what you offer. After all, you want to ensure you don’t get rejected for this one job that hundreds of people could be applying for. Oops, you don’t have every requirement, so you don’t apply. You tell yourself, If I just had that one thing, then I’d be good enough to apply. Maybe then they would want me.
You want to date, but you’re wondering if you’re good enough for a woman or a man. I need to lose 20 pounds. If I just looked like Brad Pitt or Halle Berry.
So you go to the gym. You look over and seeing someone working out with twice as much weight as you. You look at your bulging stomach and wish you had a six pack and think, No one is going to love this (as you grab your stomach). You manage to get in a few reps before leaving feeling defeated.
You go to bed at night, feeling lonely, but don’t want to admit it. You don’t want to tell anyone afraid they’ll judge you. After all from the outside, you have the life that so many would want. Things look great. But on the inside you don’t feel that great.
You feel less than…unfulfilled…incomplete. There is this thing weighing you down…and you’re too in your own head. You can’t escape your own thoughts.
Stop the negative talk. Don’t just think, but believe, you can do it. You’ll succeed. Things will work out. There is a bigger plan. You’re meant for love. You’ll get that job and then the next one after that. You deserve everything you desire. You’re worth everything in your heart.
Don’t allow the inner dialogue to sabotage your future potential. As soon as you feel the negativity talk approaching, stop it in its tracks. The best way to do that is to be grateful. Think of something you are thankful for. You can’t be grateful and have the negative talk at the same time.
Picture a moment in your life where you felt joy, happiness, or love. Close your eyes, and picture it for a couple of minutes (where are you, who are you with, what are you wearing) and let the self-talk dissolve. Let it wash over you as quickly as water flows off of you.
Choose your possibilities, potential, and opportunities over rejection, hurt, or suffering. Choose to think of the positive—it’s just as easy as it is to think of the negative. You’ve just been conditioned to think the worse. Start training yourself, one instance at a time, to think of the good…the positive. Then that will be your go-to and become second nature to you. Share This!
Eradicate the negative inner dialogue, and you’ll be on your way to eliminate the shame attached…and that my friend, is when real transformation happens.
Leave a comment below and let me know what negative talk you’ve said to yourself before.
Jessica Rector’s mission is simple: transform lives. As someone who attempted suicide at 17-years-old, had a lot of self-judgement around being a single parent, and has a brother who committed suicide, Jessica knows challenges, issues, and pain and how to turn them into something good. She knows personally how shame can manifest in parenting, relationships, leading, working, and living. Through her own experiences, research, and strategies, she helps you walk through the process to free yourself from your inner struggles. As a thought leader, keynote speaker, and author, Jessica consults with companies, coaches individuals, and speaks at conferences, conventions, and organizations helping you change what you say to yourself about yourself to change your thoughts and actions to change your life. Get Jessica’s third book, Breaking the Silence: Taking the Sh out of Shame at jessicarector.com. Follow her on Facebook by CLICKING HERE.
